Assessing Imperfection

A few mornings ago I read one of King David’s chapters, Psalm 139. David described the extent of God’s knowledge of him. God knew him before he was born and had protected David in his mother’s womb. God knew every thought in his head and could see every step David took. There was no secret thing David could do or secret place David could go that was hidden from God.

As a kid, I had this keen awareness that God was always watching me. At one point the thought made me nervous because this meant I had no real privacy to use the bathroom. God was watching! Thankfully, those thoughts didn’t hinder me from continuing our cultural ritual of daily cleansing, and I still take showers to this day. Still, the truth of David’s words was real to me then and now. God knows and sees all that we do and think.

David’s words in verses 19-22 made me pause. First I thought – there’s our David, the warrior, ready to slay evil men. His words were passionate and told God, I do not like those evil people! See how much I hate them and what they do? The verses didn’t make sense to me at first, as this chapter is about God knowing us, and not about other people. Then I reflected more on David’s last words, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me…” (v. 23-24) That prayer changed my perspective.

David only pointed out his enemies because he was still having this conversation with God about assessing his own character. It wasn’t about other people, it was more about – God, I’m nothing like those bad people, right? In the end David realized that even though he determined that he was a good, holy person through his own self-assessment, it was God’s assessment that showed the whole truth. David asked God to show him where he is imperfect. He acknowledged that there may be wickedness in him too and asked God to cleanse him.

I talked to my husband about Psalm 139 and the reality that we are not yet perfect human beings. I told him about my experience last week with a lady at a conference who made a comment to me that was not well-thought out. I had repeated her statement to my husband and two other colleagues at the conference. Even though their responses validated my affronted feelings, I didn't feel right about discussing the situation. In my heart I felt like I had assassinated this lady's character based on my feelings, and it felt wrong. Later, this same lady met me after a conference session about equity in local government policies and she was very sweet. She offered to get together sometime to help me better understand a topic that I was unable to attend and learn about at the conference. I felt like such a heel after reflecting on my entire experience with her. I had let my gut reaction create an initial impression that did not match the reality of this woman's character.

Reading Psalm 139 was a good reminder to keep asking God to search and try me to see if there is any wickedness in me. I need to ask this especially during times when I feel like - I got this. I'm a good person and not like this/that sinner. I have not yet reached perfection and that is God's goal for me. It's God's goal for you too. It's bold and difficult to ask to be searched and have your blind spots - failings - pointed out to you. However, this will always make us better people. Let's not be afraid of asking God to assess us with his eyes and show us how we can do better and be made holy.